getting it right and getting it wrong

It's been a while since I dug out my battered copy of Jan Hunt's The Natural Child, parenting from the heart. But I am so glad I did. It's simple, summerised in tiny chapters, thus it's easily read and profoundly true. It reminded me that parenting ought to radiate from the heart, not the head. And also that all humans behave as well as they are treated. Isn't that such a nice quote? I read it this morning standing with my butt against the AGA rail and watching a big paper aeroplane flying game play out with three squealing children. I shivered with such recognition. Because it *feels* right. When you get it right with your kids, you feel so right, they feel right within themselves. It's worth a blog post.



I found a couple of my favourite articles from her whole collection (which make up her book) over at The Natural Child Project, their vision is a world in which all children are treated with dignity, respect, understanding, and compassion. How is it we can forget what we truly know within and so end up *needing* parenting guides and books anyway? I suppose societal pressure forces us unhappily to expect and demand perfect behaviour from our children. Or perhaps it's the pressure of the profound untruth: that our children's behaviours in some way reflect us as parents! We expect our children to behave like little adults rather than as two or three/eight/nine year olds? Do we forget what it is like to be a child, at the mercy of the adult behaviour around us? Sometimes.



I get pulled away from the core of what truly matters in this endeavour of being beside children as they grow, usually by experiencing conflicting parenting attitudes. But what I come back to, mercifully, happily, again and again, my 'home' in every sense is that children, all humans, only ever behave as well as they are treated. It's a simple thing. To treat someone else as you would like to be treated were you in their shoes. I often get it wrong. But when I get it right I *know* it. It resonates in me as a great universal truth.



Here are the three articles, not just linked to but in length, just because I'd like to have them here as a reminder and guide. Jan Hunt's articles are all so lovely to read and to feel good and hopeful over that it's kind of hard to pick, here's a direct link to her library of articles. And of course her wonderful book.



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The Parenting Golden Rule

by Jan Hunt


"Treat all others as you would like to be treated yourself."

The Golden Rule has proved its excellence as a moral guide since ancient times. Greek and Jewish thinkers, Confucius, Jesus, and other teachers of ethics all taught this rule, which is called "golden" to indicate it's revered place as the ultimate rule of life. What better teaching can we utilize in our day-to-day approach to parenting? A variation of the Golden Rule for parents would be "Treat your child as you would like to be treated if you were in the same position."

It might be illuminating to apply this "Parenting Golden Rule" to several common methods of discipline, by considering the case of a husband and wife in the "same position" as that of children being disciplined in various ways.

1. Physical Punishment

The wife accidentally spills coffee on her husband's new jacket. He hits her.

Will the wife be more careful with his belongings in the future? Or might she have him arrested for spousal abuse?

2. Time-out

The husband starts to argue with a visiting friend. The wife tells him "It's not nice to argue with your friend! I won't have this! Go sit in the bedroom for half an hour!"

Will the husband become less argumentative? Will the embarrassment of the situation set him straight? Will he feel like apologizing to his friend?

3. Consequences

The wife is out driving, forgets to fill the tank, and runs out of gas. She phones her husband to ask him to take his car to buy some gas and bring it to her. He refuses, explaining that she has to learn from "natural consequences" to be more responsible.

The next time the tank is low, will the wife remember to get it filled? Or will she be too preoccupied with fantasies of divorce to think about less important matters like car maintenance?

4. Counting

The wife reminds her husband, who is reading the newspaper after dinner, that it's his turn to do the dishes. He murmurs, "Mm hmm," and keeps on reading. The wife says, firmly "You have to do the dishes now! 10-9-8-7..."

Will the husband then feel like cooperating with his wife? Or will he conclude that he's married a lunatic? And would he feel the least bit loved?

All of these disciplinary methods look ridiculous when viewed in this way. But the reason for this is that our society at some point decided that children and adults respond to others according to different principles of behavior. This has been a very harmful mistake. The truth is that children, like adults, feel most like cooperating with those who treat them with kindness, respect, understanding, and dignity. The only "method" that makes sense in a humane relationship - whether with a child or an adult - is unconditional love.

In our society, we have been asking the wrong question. We have asked, "Which set of rules work with children, and which set works with adults?" The reality is, happily, far simpler: all humans behave as well as they are treated. Age makes no difference.

Parents wanting to help their children grow to be loving and responsible adults can do no better than to remember the Parenting Golden Rule: "Treat your child as you would like to be treated if you were in the same position." It's simple, straightforward, and effective. And we don't need to spend any time finding out what age someone is before consulting this rule. One size fits all.



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When a Child Has a Tantrum

by Jan Hunt

As John Donne wisely wrote, "no man is an island"; we are always responding to the world around us, as well as to all that is happening within us. Yet it can be easy for us to look at a child's behavior as though it is unrelated to anything else - as though the child is living in isolation from the world around him. Yet all of a child's behavior can be seen as a response to the circumstances present at the time. Those circumstances may be external, such as overstimulation, preparations for a move, stressful events, or sibling conflict, or they may be internal, such as teething, food allergy, lack of sufficient sleep, or a developing illness.
We all know there can be many causes of "misbehavior", yet it can be surprisingly easy to see only the behavior without regard to what may have brought it about. One day when my son was two, we were about to enter our house when he wandered off to explore a neighbor's yard. This was frustrating for me, because I had numerous chores I needed to do inside. I tried to convince him to leave, but he was determined to remain there and continue his explorations. The more frustrated I became, the more determined he became, and we began to have a real power struggle. Then I reflected for a moment and remembered that this was a particularly stressful day for us all - we were moving in to a new house, and had just arrived there after a long trip! It seems amazing to me now as I recall the incident that I could have momentarily forgotten such a critical piece of information, but it is surprisingly easy to focus entirely on our child's behavior and our own frustration, even when there is a ready explanation. In fact, my son was actually doing a very understandable thing: getting to know his new surroundings.

When a child has a tantrum, we may feel sorry for ourselves and puzzled about the causes, especially if we have been diligent in meeting our child's needs in the past. Despite reassurances from attachment parenting books and advisors, we may easily begin to wonder whether the rest of the world isn't right - that children can become "spoiled" and that our child's behavior shows that we have been wrong to trust him to grow to responsible adulthood without punishment and disciplinary measures.

At those times, it can be helpful to stop thinking about all the reasons why our child shouldn't be behaving in this way - such as all the love and attention we've given him over the years - and focus instead on the present moment: After all, the present moment is where each child lives. What has happened that day, that hour, the previous moment? Just as I momentarily forgot that it was moving day, we can also forget such matters as a toy being broken, another child getting more attention, a meal with too much sugar, a noisy environment, a lengthy shopping trip, a visitor taking up our attention, a poor night's sleep, teething, a cold developing that hasn't shown itself yet, and so on. We also need to consider the effect our own response is having - are we helping the situation through validating feelings ("You want to learn about all the new things here! Let's spend a few minutes now, and then come back soon."), or have we simply responded with our own frustration ("Come on! We have to go inside now!").

In addition to looking at the circumstances present just prior to a tantrum, we can also learn something from looking at the circumstances present when the child is happy and relaxed: what has happened prior to that behavior? Has he enjoyed a relatively quiet day following a restful sleep? Have his parents recently solved a problem of their own? Have there been no trips and few telephone calls that day? Has he had an especially nutritious meal? Has he just had plenty of one-on-one time with us?

It is all a matter of focus. We tend to focus on the entire history of our parenting ("I've been such a good mother! I've given him so much time, attention, and love. Why is he behaving like this?") But this type of thinking is unrealistic, since no child behaves perfectly at all times - neither does any adult. It is also unhelpful, because it doesn't lead us to solutions. If we can focus on the present circumstances - the knocked-over Lego building, the noise, the fatigue of shopping, the numerous telephone calls that day, the teething - we are then able to answer the "why" question and move on to a helpful response of empathy and validation ("It's so hard for you when I have lots of phone calls, and now your sister knocked over your building. You must be feeling really frustrated by now!).

If we respond with anger, punishment, or rejection, this can only make things worse, as we then give the child even more reason for feeling angry and frustrated, just when he is least able to handle it. The best approach is to express empathy while validating the child's feelings: "Oh, dear - the baby knocked over your beautiful Lego house! How frustrating!" or "It must be hard for you to have to share me with your sister. You wish you could have me all to yourself right now!" "Time out" may appear to work as a short-term solution, but removing the child from the rest of the family can give an unintended and harmful message of conditional love: "We love you when you behave, but if you misbehave you're no longer welcome in our family." It also means that no positive solutions have been tried.

When a child is having a tantrum, the key word is helplessness. A tantrum develops when a child feels that he has no control over his circumstances: he wants things to be different, but he is helpless to bring about those changes. And helplessness brings fear - after all, he is then at the mercy of other people's wishes. Helplessness also affects the child's self-esteem; when he feels powerless to change things, he may begin to believe that he is not capable or not deserving of having his desires fulfilled.

When a child continues to insist that his needs be met, in some ways, this is a good sign: he trusts his parents to listen to him, he believes in himself, and he believes that he deserves to be heard and to have a say in the way his life unfolds. When a child is thwarted too often, he may stop asserting himself altogether. Unfortunately, such passive acceptance can be misinterpreted as a healthy response, when in fact the child has simply given up, suppressing feelings of anger and frustration until he feels strong enough to resist in adolescence. Thus in a way, tantrums are not entirely a bad sign - the child still believes in himself and in his own desires. He is still attempting to communicate the best way he can at the time. And he still believes that he deserves to be heard, and that his parents care about his feelings.

Tantrums are a signal of helplessness and fear, even though they may give the opposite impression: that the child is trying to be more powerful than we are. Unfortunately, because few of us were given understanding words and validation of feelings in our own childhood, it can be easy - especially when we are feeling overwhelmed, upset, or powerless in our own life - to focus on the behavior rather than the feelings. After all, that is the example so many of us have had. It can be especially difficult for attachment parents who "lose it" during stressful times, because we expect more of ourselves and of our children. We may in fact be expecting too much of ourselves, considering our own upbringing and current stress level, and too much of our children, considering their age and lack of experience. It may be most helpful at those times to consider that every parent does as well as he or she can, given all of the circumstances of their life. The same is true of our children.



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Ten Ways We Misunderstand Children

By Jan Hunt, M.Sc.


1. We expect children to be able to do things before they are ready.

We ask an infant to keep quiet. We ask a 2-year-old to sit still. We ask a 4-year-old to clean his room. In all of these situations, we are being unrealistic. We are setting ourselves up for disappointment and setting up the child for repeated failures to please us. Yet many parents ask their young children to do things that even an older child would find difficult. In short, we ask children to stop acting their age.

2. We become angry when a child fails to meet our needs.

A child can only do what he can do. If a child cannot do something we ask, it is unfair and unrealistic to expect or demand more, and anger only makes things worse. A 2-year-old can only act like a 2-year-old, a 5-year-old cannot act like a 10-year-old, and a 10-year-old cannot act like an adult. To expect more is unrealistic and unhelpful. There are limits to what a child can manage, and if we don't accept those limits, it can only result in frustration on both sides.

3. We mistrust the child's motives.

If a child cannot meet our needs, we assume that he is being defiant, instead of looking closely at the situation from the child's point of view, so we can determine the truth of the matter. In reality, a "defiant" child may be ill, tired, hungry, in pain, responding to an emotional or physical hurt, or struggling with a hidden cause such as food allergy. Yet we seem to overlook these possibilities in favor of thinking the worst about the child's "personality".

4. We don't allow children to be children.

We somehow forget what it was like to be a child ourselves, and expect the child to act like an adult instead of acting his age. A healthy child will be rambunctious, noisy, emotionally expressive, and will have a short attention span. All of these "problems" are not problems at all, but are in fact normal qualities of a normal child. Rather, it is our society and our society's expectations of perfect behavior that are abnormal.

5. We get it backwards.

We expect, and demand, that the child meet our needs - for quiet, for uninterrupted sleep, for obedience to our wishes, and so on. Instead of accepting our parental role to meet the child's needs, we expect the child to care for ours. We can become so focused on our own unmet needs and frustrations that we forget this is a child, who has needs of his own.

6. We blame and criticize when a child makes a mistake.

Yet children have had very little experience in life, and they will inevitably make mistakes. Mistakes are a natural part of learning at any age. Instead of understanding and helping the child, we blame him, as though he should be able to learn everything perfectly the first time. To err is human; to err in childhood is human and unavoidable. Yet we react to each mistake, infraction of a rule, or misbehavior with surprise and disappointment. It makes no sense to understand that a child will make mistakes, and then to react as though we think the child should behave perfectly at all times.

7. We forget how deeply blame and criticism can hurt a child.

Many parents are coming to understand that physically hurting a child is wrong and harmful, yet many of us forget how painful angry words, insults, and blame can be to a child who can only believe that he is at fault.

8. We forget how healing loving actions can be.

We fall into vicious cycles of blame and misbehavior, instead of stopping to give the child love, reassurance, self-esteem, and security with hugs and kind words.

9. We forget that our behavior provides the most potent lessons to the child.

It is truly "not what we say but what we do" that the child takes to heart. A parent who hits a child for hitting, telling him that hitting is wrong, is in fact teaching that hitting is right, at least for those in power. It is the parent who responds to problems with peaceful solutions who is teaching his child how to be a peaceful adult. So-called problems present our best opportunity for teaching values, because children learn best when they are learning about real things in real life.

10. We see only the outward behavior, not the love and good intentions inside the child.

When a child's behavior disappoints us, we should, more than anything else we do, "assume the best". We should always assume that the child means well and is behaving as well as possible considering all the circumstances (whether obvious or unknown to us), together with his level of experience in life. If we always assume the best about our child, the child will be free to do his best. If we give only love, love is all we will receive.