some happy things, and also not

I am absent from myself so of course it feels the same here. Where to start? I had surgery on my hand on Tuesday, I fell at work and severed the radial nerve and tendon on my left hand from thumb to wrist. I had two plastic surgeries this week to repair the nerve and tendon (one a failure, one a hopeful fingers crossed success). It's been a painful, lengthy, tense, anxious and a fuzzy lack of sleep week. Did I mention painful? The surgery was carried out with me awake, not under a general anesthetic, for various reasons, and so passed probably the longest two hours of my life. Give me labour and birth any day. I could feel and yet not feel what they were doing, I sweated, shivered and asked the two patient surgeons about 13 thousand questions. Mainly - had they finished yet? I was like the annoying child in the backseat of a long car journey. I have a plaster cast from finger tips to elbow to stop anything moving and to give the nerve and tendon chance to fuse, and very hopefully regenerate. As it was/is my thumb is pretty dead, stick a pin in it and I wouldn't know. By Christmas I ought to know, and be able to feel, feelings again and have proper movement. Can I knit? No. But hey, I can't tie up my hair or put on socks, or cook, or well, a million other things I suddenly realise two hands are pretty essential for. So knitting will remain quietly in the corner for a while. Luckily I didn't show here the many many things I have knitted over the last couple of months so I have that to go on. And. Well, I am very grateful for having a working right hand. And for living in such a place and time that nerves can be sewn back together in such a way that they can actually work again. It's pretty amazing, really. So amid my frustration and the bone aching deep pain in my hand/arm (why my arm too, I don't know) I have my moments of being very very grateful.

Happier things:

~ I was guest blogger over at the lovely Taking Time this week, with a post, of course, about Food Love.

~ I have an article in the next issue of The Green Parent magazine coming out in October, so that will be thrilling, it's always cool to see one's one words in print.

~ Isaac is really enjoying his second term at the local school. I am so happy for my boy who so struggled last term for his perseverance and total hardcore optimism. I learn such a lot from him about approaching life, he is such a treasure.

~ Esmé has started ballet lessons. She is cuteness itself. She was forever seeing little girls in ballet clothes when we took her brother to his swimming class and was desperate to join them and wear such 'pretty fairy clothes' I have no doubt she'd take wings and a wand too if she could. She counts down the days and is quickly learning when Tuesday comes around. It's so fun to see her so enthusiastic, it's her first class or event that's just for her, and she is keen that I drop her off properly and leave, just like with the boys.

~ Felix is really learning to read! He is 8 and has never been either keen nor interested. I left him to it, I think the worst thing is to force something that just isn't happening. And now we are working through The Butterfly Book and he gets it! It's pretty exciting to see. He gets really pleased with himself, for such a long time he could spell out a word C A T but then not be able to pull it together to say the word CAT. And now he can.

Knits coming up, promise, just awaiting lengthy camera disc downloads :) And maybe even a picture of my sad but hopeful looking arm.

sky time

Knowing love I will allow all things to come and go. I will be as supple as the wind, and as vast as the sky.

I shall also make yellow plum jam, slopping sugary molten lava over aga hot plate and hands. The house reeks candy floss-fairground like.



I shall read our jam book over and over and over and then go and pick more plums to certain requests and then make more jam, with same voice insisting it be so.



Guttering makes great car shooters.





I found out our dog is a bit scared of horses, which is good since these are wild and to my untrained eyes unreliable.



I am jogging twice a week *still* which seems like as unlikely as a star falling straight into my garden, but it's good, I feel fitter, which is something I am unused to feeling.

Still knitting my socks off and lounging in front of the fire and walking constantly several times a day with my dog and children. The weeks are meandering by and I am just floating along, adrift and anchor less, I am earthy and centred usually but right now I am like the sky, and become one thing and then next as quick as the clouds here move.