baby

Iona Elspeth Born 10th September 10lbs 2oz

41 weeks and 3 days of pregnancy = a fat little bundle of baby with a 38cm head that I could not birth! My sweet one was not my hoped for second vbac, but a c-section. A surgery that opened my body on the medical alter but which perhaps has closed many wounds I have carried about surgery and childbirth. You see I hated my first two son's sections. I felt weak and failing to have had them. Triumphant then when I birthed Esmé whole and intact on my bathroom floor. I dreamed a lot this pregnancy about hospitals and knew in a weird way this baby, Iona, would be born the way she was. Or near enough. It was nothing like a lack of confidence in myself or body, more a knowing that she was not coming out. Not by my or her efforts. I was carrying twice the amount of amniotic fluid, an extra large placenta and of course extra large baby. In the time it took to labour and birth my last girl, I was still only at one cm with Iona. It just never felt quite right her labour. I felt right and at peace with the c-section choice. Even though for the die-hard birth folks I am a freak and cop out. I am neither. I choose the option best for my body and baby at the time. I sound like I am justifying something here. And I don't want to! Or feel the need. But that is often the way with c-sections.

I had lots of scar pain at the onset of labour which led us to transfer to hospital where it eased off. But after ten hours of labour and a very low blood pressure I am not sure my scar tissue would have coped with more labour. When I found out I was pregnant with Iona it was all about her. Not about The Birth. Like the culmination of my other pregnancy thoughts. It was about her (who by the way I really thought was a he). I just wanted her so badly in my arms. I remember saying way back that this time it was nothing about the birth, that I didn't much care, I just wanted my baby, in my arms. And it came to pass.

She is here. And I will be greedy and stare at her all day long. Glory in her being. Triumphant. Don and I cried when she came out pink, huge and screaming. He rocked her in his arms with tears and leaned over so I could kiss her about every 30 seconds. Where my own tears ran all down to my ears. Life is unexpected. And now, 10 days later I am still overawed that I have another daughter. I mean, I knit everything blue ! :lol

Welcome my sweet peaceful baby. You were loved before we saw you and now a million times more. You are worth the aching body and separated tummy muscles. I'd do it again. Tomorrow.

waiting...

Yep. Still :) Alternate dreamy states of stillness with bursts of manic cleaning. It's close.

Felix and Esmé are missing Isaac who started school (big secondary school!) this week, and is so far loving it and bounces home with tales of exciting times.



They are managing to have some outdoor sunny last-bite-of-summer garden fun.





The man prepares wood and I nest and nest and knit and nest. And already there is the whiff of Autumn in the cooler mornings. Looking forward to the change of season and all that it will bring.