my own

I am a third of the way through the Beyond Puerperium pattern, which I did end up buying (about ten seconds after my last post). BUT.... well it is very similar to the (free) Coffee Bean that I have been so in love with, the construction is virtually identical with a different amount of stitches between markers. And I *think* I prefer the look of the Bean, it seemed to knit up faster. Or perhaps that was simply the colour changes which kept me moving on. Anyway, it's happening with this one, and too bad I picked a bigger size to work is how I am feeling right now. Perhaps the end result will be worth it.



I dragged for days about sewing the final button on to these tiny shoes, and when I finally got my act together and did it, it took about 30 seconds. Funny how the things you put off really are tiny things, but in your head are these huge boulders weighing you down with their unfinishedness.



I am unfinished too on these curtains I am sewing for the kitchen/dining room. But that is ok, because I only have the linings to go and the tape for the tops. Plus I *just* started them, and then in about half an hour they were pretty much done. They were so easy to whip up, it has left me feeling less daunted by making the two sets of full length ones for my bedroom.



Felix made this mallet at Forest School yesterday from one piece of wood using another mallet and a HUGE big bush knife, like a machete. It was pretty impressive. Esmé wanted to make one too but I distracted her (Esmé and a machete? I think not) and she ended up dipping every ones scraps and shreds of wood into mud to make 'chocolate bars'. There really was a lot of mud, it would pour down with rain for about three minutes and then the sun and blue skies would burst out again as if a trick had made us imagine the rain. Only the slick mud (chocolate) underfoot gave the game away.

Today my day will be going something like this: get us all dressed soon since breakfast is done. Feed the chickens and check on the broody one who won't budge from the nest. Check on washing - is it dry enough to bring indoors? Can I hang out another load which I already have here waiting? Pop to town and take Esmé to the library, then go to the butchers to get bones for the dog. On the way back stop off to buy more hay. Once home make a new nest in the broody coop for said chicken with new hay and move her in with whatever eggs she has so far. Walk the dog. Make rice pudding for kids (with goat milk honey and cinnamon). Make lunch. Sew some more on my curtains. Knit. Check on rice pudding. Make play-dough for The Girl (who already asked and I promised - ditto the rice pud). And then. Well, no doubt Isaac will be back and the late afternoon stuff will kick in. Another dog walk, dinner prep. I need to clean the bathrooms. And goodness knows what else. A friend called to say she may pop over with her new baby. Yum. I need to call the midwife (s) both NHS and independent. And book swimming lesson for Felix, and call up about a trampolining class he wants to take. I really should paint some of the deliciously scented clay- Earthborn eggshell on the woodwork in Isaac's room if I get the chance.

I am keen to get back to my Isabel Allende book I am reading, but my goodness, that is bedtime stuff. No way have I ever managed to read during the day (unless breastfeeding and someone else has the other children). I picked up an Allende book in the second hand bookstore (one of the dozen in town) only it turned out to be one she wrote for older children, young adults. It was fabulous. I totally recommend them. Adventure story with mystique and magic. I am reading one of her adult ones now and it is equally as good. But different. I think I would like to read the other two kids ones in the series. So yeah, that will be the bulk of my day with all of the randomness thrown in that I can't imagine right now. Or it might take a whole other route. Depending. And yet. At the end of it all, should someone ask, I am usually at a loss to describe what I have done. Shrug it all away. It is the way of the women at home. You do everything and and also 'nothing' totally without clarity or singularly definable, like yes, I wrote a report, attended a meeting and secured a deal. Or whatever. I wrote a chapter in my latest book. Perhaps; I baked four cakes and five trays of brownies to sell. I never quite know what to answer. Because it is everything. And would fill up too many sentences with too many words. I read the same library book five times. I walked my dog and the sky and sun and wind were so beautiful I forgot where I was. I felt my baby kick and smiled a thousand smiles all wrapped into one. I already, just now while typing this opened three 'presents' Esmé wrapped up for me (with proper un-used wrapping paper!): a stapler, a pencil and a book. Yesterday she wrapped me up a mint. And a hairbrush. And a plastic Lego dog she wrapped late last night for the tooth-fairy and left under her pillow who then had to oblige with a silver coin. I helped Felix spell three made up words (the sort that one might experience/exclaim while being thumped with a hearty stick or sliced with a sword)for a Ninjago story he is writing with the help of a load of stickers and his pencil. I went and turned on the dishwasher. Esmé is opposite me, and just found some black card and is using white yellow and pink chalks to draw things and show me for my opinion roughly every 7 seconds.

raw chocolate brownie with hemp chocolate cream


I do not know how I get to write blog posts. I am not sure how mothers do it. But we do because we want to connect. And make other mothers, nod and go, oh yeah. Me too. Yep, I licked the spoon and went back for seconds. Yep I accidentally kicked the cat and then didn't feel all that sorry since it is just plain greedy. being underfoot as it is constantly. Yep I knitted and listened to someone reading aloud. I watered some cress-heads and wondered if the postman might come soon (not because he *is* the postman and I like, rather that he may carry exciting things to give me). Ha.

I had my 20 week scan on Monday and the baby hid it's face in it's hands and made all of us (all five of us in that tiny room) smile and say, wow, a real live baby! And I feel as excited and happy as I was with my very first baby. Wondering, dreaming, imagining. And your hands, already poised to take that tiny face and stroke it gently with a finger. I do not know how people make those comments, the ones that seem to imply - you have enough children, loosing one wouldn't be so bad, you have others. It's not like you only have the one. Your whole life. And I feel the vastness of space creeping in and the lack of understanding there. You don't split your love to share with the next child, and so on. It's like with each new child love you didn't know existed, or that you were capable of having surges in, and it's a whole new love for that particular child, all their own. Nothing to do with the others. They have theirs too and it's singular, completely theirs. Your mind splits and can focus on the love for each child without it mingling or distracting or subtracting from the others. It would be horrifying, devastating and life ending to loose one of those threads. It would not compensate to have others. Love is not like that.

I don't know where that came from. A remembered past conversation that sometimes springs up in my mind. And I defend and validate, as you when going over old conversations. Ones you are unlikely to ever have again. Thankfully :)

Time to go, and begin the vastness and undefinable day that will be my own.

Happy weekending :)

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edited to add recipe for Uma :)

raw chocolate brownie

1 cup of walnuts
1 cup of brazil nuts
2-3 tblsp of virgin coconut oil
1 cup of dates
3-4 tblsp of cocoa powder
~ whiz/blitz up all together in food processor/magimix until crumb turns to squish together. Pat out flat into tin and squish down with back of spoon nice and flat. Refridgerate.

chocolate hemp cream

1 large tblsp of coconut oil
glug of hemp milk (I used Good Food version)
glug of maple syrup
1-2 tblsp of cocoa powder

~Melt oil over low heat, add rest and mix. Pour/spoon over brownie. The longer you stir off the heat the thicker it gets (as the coconut oil begins to solidify again). Refridgerate again, then cut into slices when cool and firm.

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