38th week

I am still here and pregnant, 38 weeks at the weekend. I have been in such a dreamy faraway state of mind that I am unable to write. Or sound coherent. I remember this from previous pregnancies. Just feeling disconnected from the rest of the world, Olympics? Really? I didn't seem to notice..... The baby has been breech for most of the third trimester and just finally turned head-down last week after an acupuncture session. It is such a wriggler and mover this baby, but now head down and heavy-snug it seems to be resting mostly. I feel lumbering and clumsy and everything is such an effort! I get frustrated with myself for not being able to do the simple things I take for granted when not pregnant - like walk the dog, like bend down..... without superhuman effort and half a day of rest afterwards! I think these last weeks are more about keeping your spirits up and not feeling super useless all of the time. But I am cherishing each and every baby move and hiccup. I really am. And nesting like mad. We have painted the entire upstairs (and cleaned out/re-jigged) since June. It feels like good nesting. We moved my bed into a whole new place and it feels so good; sheltered and protected, before it was right in the line of the door, now it's tucked around a corner. It must be some feng shui thing I didn't know about. But which works! Our room is just say back together and I can't say how out of control everything feels and disorganised when your stuff is spread along the landing and in a bathroom and everything new-baby is dumped in a cardboard box. I literally keep sighing with relief now we are moved back in to our duck-egg blue room. I did all of the woodwork painting myself, and there was a lot. And it all dried super quick and matt, I can't praise this paint enough. Not a whiff of anything, no baddies. My dd has her little peachy painted nook. with a tiny bed and cupboard, but still spends about 1/4 of her nights in bed with me. It's a transition.







I am not nested-out yet even. Is it possible? The boys are away this whole long week (so much energy going into missing them!). So I have been cleaning and sorting their rooms (even though they were just painted and 'done' it's like they are hoarders of the worst sort, every scrap or paper, ticket, and lego model must not be dismantled. So really I am just cleaning around things and airing the beds. But it's enough.





So much talk of cleaning! ha. I would like to be more kitchen orientated and cook loads of freezer meals for later but I don't feel at all inspired to do that right now. Or finish knitting my dd's little hot pink cardigan. But again I don't feel inspired to knit right now. What I am liking doing it reading. Novel after novel. Playing with my dd, making hard little cookies, sucking on elderflower ice lollies (maybe my one true craving this pregnancy, I sat and ate an entire tray of ice cubes the other day, as my dentist can testify too after a chipped a tooth doing so). I read craving non food things like ice can signify a deficiency of some sort. The only thing I know I am deficient in is iron, but I cannot fathom where ice cubes fit into that!

wood delivered for my birthing room fire!




We tested out the birth pool and my dd had it kept up for several days as a den with blankets and cushions. We took it down reluctantly this morning because visitors arrive tomorrow for a day or two. Reluctant because I half hoped whilst it was up I would go into labour. I am so big! I am sure this baby is a good size already. I am hoping to labour quickly at night and not disturb any children. I just can't really get into labour with my children around. Tried it before and couldn't think of anything but them and how they would perceive it all... too much thinking! I really don't need more reasons to think in labour - it's a struggle enough to switch off. It worked last time, I am not a noise maker in labour so as long as I am not in the same room as them it should be ok. I finally spoke to my midwife about my fears regarding this baby. I sort of feel like maybe my luck has been used up. That I have had three healthy children already, surely it's too much to ask for a fourth? That I might birth a live healthy baby seems like a mountain of a thing and I have been secretly afraid of the outcome for such a long time. But it does seem morbid to say out loud - oh yes I am terribly afraid of my baby dying in labour. My midwife said she could not tell me how many women she has seen with multiple children who feel this way: that they feel they have used up their quota of goodness and luck regarding babies and birth outcome. I felt a whole lot better actually just voicing it, with or without any reply. She said it would be good to think of it a bit differently: that having had three healthy children I was more likely to have another, not less. I am not sure if that logic works but I am happy to accept it.



I really have not been drawn to online time, so please excuse any absence! I will def. post as soon as this baby decides to arrive. And I am so looking forward to doing so! Right now all I want to do is lie in bed and read. Every movement brings on contractions, prep ones, not The Real Thing. But tiring all the same. I am surely a rubbish mother right now as all I crave is quiet rest time. This does not knit well together with a 4, 9 and 11 year old. And a bouncy freak dog who wants a daily six hour walk. I can do about 6 minutes. Luckily Isaac is a good dog walker and The Man gets up early.



I totally hope my next post here is when I am 'on the other side' of pregnancy and birth. See? I am getting to that desperate bit where you know it's closer by the minute. Or hope.