Competition

A while ago I woke from a dream in the dark of the night and the dream was so fresh in my head I sat and wrote it out then slipped back to bed and fell prompty asleep again. It was a dream of words and was exactly the follwing. (I just want to say that it is very one -sided and although I have given it much thought, I can't think of many reasons why being competative would be a good thing... so if you can think of any, please say so!)

To compare oneself with another
: To be Competitive

Are human beings intrinsically competitive? Or is it a learned behaviour? I am proposing here that it is a learned behaviour, and also to wonder if being competitive/comparing oneself with others, is a good way of being. I am realising that this is something I have thought about for a long time. Primarily this has been due to witnessing my children and their lack of desire (instinct?) to pitch themselves against each other (or anyone else). In fact I truly see the opposite to be true of young children; their social willingness and bodily gestures imitating and seeking to fit and be part of the larger environment to which they find themselves part of. I hear adults exclaiming, ‘Oh look! Children enjoy being competitive! See how they are enjoying their game of football (cricket/rugby etc)!’ But is that what they are really enjoying when we adults see them playing? Or might they simply be glad to be outdoors, moving their bodies and being with friends? Or, more negatively perhaps, are they seeking our approval, feeling our desire for them to enjoy (and win!) at sports of our choosing? When we strive to instil in children the notion of a ‘winner’ and a ‘looser’ – it is with a great injustice to them. If this model of self-regard is held by the child (or any individual) does it bring about happiness, a sense of satisfaction, pleasure, and achievement…? (Perhaps only if the child is the ‘winner’) Or insecurity, anxiety over approval and self worth…?

Imagine for one moment the young child who has no notion of this yet – the confusion he must momentarily feel when the adult exclaims; ‘Go on! I’ll race you!’ They both run, they both stretch their legs and bodies together and reach the side of the field. ‘You’re the winner! Yeah!’ Shouts the adult. Really. What has been ‘won’? What has been ‘lost’? I wonder this, really. Does the young child wonder too at how this ‘word’ spoken marks him out differently and in what peculiar way?

Of all the human beings in the world, to only have one ‘winner’ generally means that there are a LOT of ‘losers’. Masses more. Chances are that mostly, any given individual by this reckoning will be a ‘loser’ more often than the prized ‘winner’. Does it feel good to loose? (Sadness, disappointment, humiliation, anxiety, insecurity?) Might it spur thoughts of envy and jealousy instead? The young child who does not yet see how being a ‘winner’ is any better than being a ‘looser’ it is a real joy to behold. The joy for him lies in the exertion, the running, the happiness of the adult who runs alongside him. The marvelling at his body’s ability to transport him to his destination. Could we not learn from the young child and celebrate this instead! Celebrate how wonderful it feels that our legs can run fast, hold hands with a child and say; ‘Wow our legs are strong! I love doing that with you!’ That is surely all the well-meaning adult is trying to convey after all: Their pleasure in being with this child and their desire for fun and laughter with them. Unfortunately most of us were conditioned to hold back our truer feelings of – oh I loved doing that with you! – It leaves us vulnerable to be so open and truthful with our emotions, especially after so many of us have been hurt, humiliated one way or another in the past. Instead we cloak this in the playing of games, which, co-operatively (working together to achieve an end result) would be wonderful! Rather though, we inject this ‘fun’ with our own learned model of game/play behaviour: competition. So instead of expressing our joy we either pretend to lag behind and then shout – Oh! You’re the winner! Or for the overly competitive adults (I have really seen this!) they like to make sure the child knows that he is smaller/weaker and ‘wins’ the running race every time (thus ensuring in the long run that the child doesn’t enjoy running at all – thinking himself to be slow).


I feel sad that in truth we might be setting our children up to see themselves as ‘loosers’ (statistically if we hold this model of winning and loosing up as our ideal they surely will be) rather than celebrating and enjoying uniqueness – the diversity in their bodies and abilities. To run races with a child competitively whilst neglecting to notice the other aspects of games may on appearance seem harmless fun but it might also be the start of a lifelong of feelings of inadequacy and failure.

I do not wish my children to feel like failures simply because they hold this ridiculous notion of ‘winning’ as being the ultimate in titles. That is all it really is anyway; a name, a title. Too many people want to ‘win’ at any cost. Really I feel the true cost is to one’s own sense of self worth and to the kinship one feels with others.

The wrongs and ails of our social fabric can not be mended as a whole – with us working together as a whole group - if we are constantly endorsing the comparing of individuals. If we endorse and promote competitive behaviour with our children how can we reasonably hope for them to ever be united for any particular common cause? It is not possible. We can see all around us evidence of one man’s gain to the detriment of the masses.

Children try so very hard to please us, to be like us, to uphold the values of the society they are born into. While they are young and at home, it is we their family who are their society, their world. They can absorb so much from the casual language we use, for example, they may hear us asking, did you enjoy your game of basketball/cricket?’ and hear us reply, ‘no, we lost’. No mention of how we ran at such a fast speed or the joy we momentarily felt at being outdoors on such a beautiful day. Rather the listening child hears the reinforced message of the importance the adults around them place upon ‘winning’: that it is the only good option. Losing is failure. Even worse if a person only ever asks; ‘Did you win?’ Ugh! I cringe when I hear that. Do you remember the nauseating nervousness of sports day races with parents watching? Or the parent who likes to pretend, ‘oh it is just the playing that counts!’ while you sense from them something different: disappointment, however small. Children are marvellous at picking up how we really feel. It is no good announcing such a token gesture if with every other action you are really saying otherwise.

So what is the solution? Co-operation. Celebrating Uniqueness (Hey, his little legs are not fast but look at how long he can balance on one leg/do beautifully executed cartwheels!). We need to remind ourselves and our children about how different and beautiful we all are from each other. Talk and comment on this. So many areas of our lives can be enhanced by this and our willingness to co-operate rather than compete. I read something wonderful a while ago about a birthday party game of pass the parcel where instead of there being one winner at the last wrapping, each layer revealed a clue and put together at the end lead all of the children to the washing machine where a box of cookies and stack of stickers were shared around. All it takes is a little imagination and inventiveness on our adult part. I find mainstream school culture highly competitive (what really is grading all about anyway? How does it affect such young souls?). There are other schools available for our young children. Gentle, interestingly invigorating alternatives (Steiner for example, or 'Free' schools which are more child led). We can also choose to have a home-based education; the ultimate in freedom and self expression (and of course - of non competition :) )