maybe I'm crazy, probably

Christmas - the time of joy and giving, families and all of that stuff. Except this week I have felt utterly flat. Why? I have this lovely family all around me, a man who loves me, the 'real' things..... handsome tree, fire, home made mince pies even (regardless that they are filled with the gluten I can't eat, hey ho, never much liked them anyway but pretty glad they are made for all else who wants them). Why so flat? My chest splits and cracks and coughs a lot. Don't know why.... don't think there's much inflammation going on for me right now, probably just one of those things, don't feel too worried by my health, can't be that. Lovely needle biopsy of breast lump tomorrow in the hospital - could it be that? .... Nope don't think so, feel pretty ok about that to be truthful. Just doesn't intuitively feel I have anything to worry about where my breasts are concerned. Yes I have had a lump for two months or more, it's softish and movable. Pea sized. BUT I have been breastfeeding now for a decade. And have had a few pregnancies scattered through that time too. I started breeding at a tender age, I eat jolly well, statistically these things all point to my being fine. I lie and meditate, trying to feel my way to seeking the answers to pretty much anything that comes up for me. Since I am mentioning it, this meditation, I'll write down what I do as it's pretty relaxing and helpful.

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A meditation with the Wise One, ie, yourself

Close your eyes and breathe long and deeply until you feel very relaxed. If thoughts come and go just let them, recognise and them move on (like, yeah, ok I am thinking about the Christmas crackers I should/could have made but didn't, ok, fine, I'll breathe again now and let it go). Get your breathe into this nice swinging movement, imagine you are rowing a little boat all alone on a beautiful calm lake, heading towards a centre island. Or if you are someone shit-scared of boats or water, imagine you are striding across beautiful land to point just over the brow of a hill, or towards a cave. You reach the shore, you are there. Imagine your boat hitting little stones, the mud and grassy tufts. Yourself stepping ashore. Some one waits for you, utterly glad to see you, with arms open. Who is this person/entity? S/he is the Inner healer. For me she is a beautiful old woman, with long white braided hair. She looks a bit like a midwife I once had. You could give her a gift, a small stone or your smile or just yourself. Either way she is so happy to see you. You sit together and she asks you why you have come. Have you been visiting her often enough? There is no guilt in this, just a gentle question, she is always happy to see you no matter how few or often your visits. Can you sit quietly and wait. Maybe you have no specific concern this time or question, wait and see what flows to your calm self, of from her. Do you have any questions or issues that are bothering you? You can ask for her advice. Her words always resonate with Truth. She places her hands on you. She is filled with an amazing white brilliant light. She touches you and the light gets brighter. You ask her, or tell her your concern. She listens fully with a total quality of Love. It might be different to what you imagined it to be, your concern. You might only have to think it. Ask for healing. As soon as you do the light floods out of her into you, it fills your every inch. Maybe it sweeps through you slowly head to foot, maybe it starts at your centre and spreads out, maybe it enters at a point in your body you are worried about. The light that needs to heal specifically is bright pink and sparkly. Imagine it sweeping and healing and relaxing your body. The light gets so strong emanating from your Healer it moves towards you and eventually becomes you. It stays there and you are both one being. After while bathed in this pure healing energy, you wake up and open your eyes and let your new reality begin. The healer is within you as she always was and will be. Visit her again. Embellish this, take away, make it your own.

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Okaaaayyy. So yeah. That's what I do when I am anxious, about anything, usually at night in bed, additionally it often makes me fall asleep which is nice. I always get good answers (which is what happens when you talk to yourself, as we all know) :)



It is the solstice today. We have been dong nice things this week. I make the house look pretty and fill it with nice smells. I string fairy lights in unusual places that make me feel cosy. I make myself tea and foods I enjoy (raspberry leaf, soup...) I spent a satisfying half hour yesterday vacuuming the downstairs ceilings (one word for why this was necessary: beams) and at the same time pondering on why the cat food was described as having 'real fish' in it. As opposed to what? Mystifying. Pretend fish flavouring on globulus of unidentified industrial food waste?



Yesterday had a satisfying encounter with the manager in the Co op. I'll tell you why; tulips. I have had no bought flowers this year (that I can remember) and saw this last bunch of purple tulips, their display date was out and so I asked a guy working there (who turned out to be the manager) if he could knock them into being half price. He said no, and that since they were 'out of date' he couldn't sell them to me at all. Well what will you do with them I asked him. Bin them was his answer. So even though I will give you, say a pound for them, you would rather throw them in the bin? Company policy he said. I felt outraged. This it ridiculous, I really want to speak to the manager, please could you find him (yes I said him, which just goes to show how my culturally ingrained self still thinks all managers are men), this is the stupidest rule ever, and I'd like to buy these flowers. Today, right now at a dsicount price. So after a tussle and bustle and provoking on my part he shuffled off for ten minutes and returned with a new label that said £1 rather than £5. Just between you and me he said. Crazy friggin world I said, but thanks. Really I should have yawned and said, sorry, changed my mind :)



I made a wreath with twisted willow and holly from the ancient holly tree nearby. It was absorbing, I quite liked doing it, I'd have made two if it were not for the numb finger syndrome that crept over me. There's my craft of the day. My man thought I'd bought it, so it was nice to tell him, no, it's a freebie, just for you!



We had a play in the thick snow in the dark and cloudy moonlight, for a good bedtime hour yesterday. It was a harsh beautiful hushed up world in my dark garden. I pulled The Beauty fast through the dark-light night in her red plastic sledge and she shrieked with the laughter of a two year old. The sort that makes you want to pretend you are two too and throw yourself on the ground and make a snow angel. To stay there and let the snow drift down over you, covering you totally. How does it feel to run through the snow with bare feet? How does it feel to lie in the snow and watch it spinning down over you? Do we live in a black and white world now, like in the olden days? Felix wanted to know. Yes I told him as solemnly as he asked. We really do, (just when it snows).



Today we shall make a log look pretty with coloured wool, glitter and such and burn it in the fire tonight. I shall genuinely be happy, walk through the snow, with children and sledges and trailing mittens. I will make celeriac soup later. Maybe gaze at the full moon (should the clouds pass), hope that the man makes it home again. I will do these things with a full heart. But at the same time it's empty too. How can it be? What is 'wrong' with me? Anything? Nothing? Everything? The boys love this song right now. A bona-fide crazy person we sorta know reminded us of it. It very adequately describes myself sometimes. Go on, play it and and dance around for a bit. Maybe I will run with the wolves tonight. Why wolves? I seem to think about wolves an awful lot lately. Wouldn't that be nice? I can accept that I feel this strange way but it puzzles me too.

Merry Solstice. (Or not.) Will you run with the Wolves? Join me under the moon in the snow. Sisters of mine, world over. Namaste. I wish you just a bit of craziness too. It helps balance out the rest doesn't it. Don't contain everything too much. I can't. Wouldn't. The lady talking to herself on the street corner might one day be me. Or you, or my daughter. I'll love you all the same. Every bit. Our inner healers and selves I sometimes think are all one. Which I why I know you'll understand this whole weird post.



Bless your soul, especially those not in control :) If you ever think you might be the tiniest bit crazy, probably you are. It's ok. I'll go out on a limb and say yeah, its not always a bad place to be.