excite me, you won't have to try very hard

This is the third post I have written since my last one, but the others were still full of woe. And I'm not all like that. Some days I do actually smile. It wows me to read so many comments from women just like me. I feel better. Just knowing that. I have often had the odd weird comment, a bad egg, and sort of expected someone to anonymously post that I was just whining about nothing and didn't know how lucky I had it etc. That would have slumped me, because yk, I *know* that too, sometimes, I really do. It's nothing to do with not finding space to be appreciative, or about enjoying the little moments and marvelling in surprises and sweet kid moments. Nope, it's nothing to do with any of that at all, it's just a dulling of ones self, a dull grind against a chore-express-train you have no hope of ever stopping, with just you standing on the tracks. With a single hand up, hoping.



I found myself in a weird place the other day, having written another couple of articles, I was asked by The Green Parent magazine to write something about myself and submit a photo for the contributors page. Following guidelines, one of the questions I had to answer about myself was what was the most exciting thing that has ever happened to you?. Well. Of all the questions. Exciting? The meaning of that word and my daily life, they don't really go together all that well, you know? I was seriously stumped. I felt pretty sheepish. Should I make something up? Even more depressing. I wracked my brain (and life) seriously, and slightly depressingly. I have not climbed Kilimanjaro, or ridden in a Jeep across the African plains, I have not volunteered as a nurse in a war torn country, nor saved a life, or even sky dived from a plane. I have never been in a hot air balloon or had someone propose to me on a cliff top. I really really struggled to think of one particular amazing exciting thing I could write down.



Because the things that excite me? Well they are not big things at all. They are little things. Like on Friday when I was about to lay my head in my hands and weep, my dh came home (sensed hysteria) and took us all out to dinner. Just like that. And we blew a load of money and ate such fabulous food it was great. I had blood orange sorbet. And shin of beef. That kind of excited me. I get excited by my kid's birthdays. I like the preparation, the secret night before with the blowing up of balloons and hanging streamers, wrapping gifts. I LOVE the excitement of Christmas Eve, it thrums the air between my children and self. We dance around a bit. When it starts to snow the first time of the season (this morning!) I smile with joy and feel a little giddy. Like I am 7 again. I don't seem to remember that as an adult this means a cold house and carrying lots of wood. Who cares - it's snowing! I get excited when I bake something that turns out particularly well. And tastes even better. Sometimes I get excited when it's bed time, because I am in the middle of a fabulous book I want to snuggle up and read for a bit, and finally with sleeping children I'll get the chance. I was so excited when my first ever hen layed it's first ever egg. I get super excited every single Spring when the seeds I plant actually grow! They really turn into the plants on the seed packets! My god, this blows my mind every single time. I go out there every single chance I get and just stare at them. When my babies were born, it was amazing, overwhelming, but not 'exciting'.



See? How can I put any of that into 20 words? It just wasn't going to be possible. And now only a few days later, I can't even remember what I did write. I get excited daily over little things. I am a little person. I am not ashamed of that. I don't know how to measure excitement, or to scale it to fit. Maybe, just maybe I am even more blessed than I imagine. Rather than getting depressed or anxious that my life is so little I can't find a big thing to fit the box labelled 'major excitement'. Maybe I should be glad if seeing a little Wren up close is enough then it's enough. I am lucky in a way I didn't see. Didn't realise. So many people don't care about the little things, so they don't get thrilled by them. The world is a beautiful place, is my opinion, and we are not here awfully long.



I am only just in my 30's. Maybe I have time to get even more excited :) What would totally excite me (hint hint Man if you are reading this, you sometimes do) would be to go away with just you. Just you. And me. My head reels at the luxury in that idea. We have not done that since having children. Lets stop buying stuff and start buying time to have experiences is my wish for the two of us.


Felix's Viking writing is pretty thrilling

If only I could summon excitement over chores, I still can't in case you were wondering if I'd had some mind blowing revelation since my last post. If that ever happens I will be so excited I'd share it here immediately with great haste. Ha.