Ok so this is sort of boring. My grandmother always used to say 'a woman's work is *never* done' and she didn't say it in a moan-y way, just in a wistful, kinda matter-of-fact way. I remember feeling like yawning every time she would say it. A yeah-whatever, yawn. A you-made-your-own-bed so shut up about it yawn. I am eating those yawns now. And that sassy attitude which has utterly vanished under the sheer chore of my daily chores. I feel I am in constant battle mode with it all, and it's making me irritable, like I want to step out of my own skin type of irritable.
In my mind and in the wonderful theoretical head-space I often occupy chores wouldn't be chores at all. I could see the activities I needed to carry out as little acts of loving and nourishing of my family. As care and love. At the same time I tell myself that it isn't what a life is spent doing at all, but the manner in which one carries it out. The intention and the chop wood-carry water attitude. I believe these things. But right now they are making me yawn, and think yeah-whatever. I realised the other day that I could spend every waking minute of my days picking up, putting away, wiping clean, cooking, cleaning, laundry and the continuous cycle would never ever EVER end. It will never all be done. I will never be able to flop down in a chair and say phew! Glad I finished, that was hard.
Because the next minute, hour, or honestly - second has me back to my feet wiping a butt or something. I was thunderstruck. And my grandmother's words had a whole new meaning of tongue in cheek humour. A dead pan sort that it takes a while to get my head around. As I see it I have these options, A) Carry on being a super freak and trying to Do It All, every day, all day, like, forever and feel shit and resentful every time someone walks around munching crackers crumbs every where. Or B) Chill the fuck out and let some things slide. Option B scares me a bit because it would be a whole new place to be for me. Option A, though quite honestly is boring me. Depressing me. I look forward to the time Saturday rolls around and going to work for the day as mainly it means being Away From The House and all it entails. Can I afford a cleaner? Er, right. Of course I can't. Or this wouldn't be a big fat blip that i am trying to work away at. This work will NEVER be done. Isn't that quite something? And it's pretty much the life of every woman I know - to some extent. Most women the world over. In fact the women who work out of the home more still seem to have this when they get home too. It's kind of staggering. Do they all moan like this? Do they swallow it down and bide their time... until what? The kids are grown? My grandmother is also very fond of telling me that these years with my kids all over me and nothing ever being 'done' are the best years of my life. Only I won't see it until they are over. Which scares the shit out of me too. For loads of reasons; That I am not capable of recognising this for what it is and glorying in Life right now this minute (which is all I may ever have), or that I'll get to a ripe old age (fingers crossed) but spend all my time looking back all wistful - that scares me most of all. The sadness of everything gone. I just don't want old age to look like that. I don't think it has to.
I think this chore stuff has to do with 1) Really frickin hard not to see it all as 'chores' to start with, 2) Realising that every minute is a new slate, a new life and I can do anything with it, not repeat endlessly .... (as chores are apt to make me feel - actually isn't that supposed to be a definition of hell? Or samsara or something - endless repetition? Oh god, it is, and I guess that's why it *is* a chore...) So yeah, in my mind I cycle endlessly round, repeating myself, as you can see. I want to feel differently about it, yet don't. Because I am not an enlightened being (I reckon, although becoming one is also on my to-do list :) right down there after bathroom cleaning). I'd appreciate some good ideas for this, either ways involving housework becoming minimal (ha!), or new ways of viewing it. Nothing sugar coated please, those pills are hard for me to swallow, I just puke them back up.
22 comments:
HAHAHA oh the relief! Yes, I am right WITH you there. Yes. Right now my method is ignoring it, followed by short bouts of either a) magically finding the loving-happy-philosophical attitude to do things willingly and b) plodding through *some* bits of the to-do list and then feeling smug that I did something and therefore justified in ignoring it again for a bit. I am low on solutions of the more permemant kind except that I'm having fantasies about yurt life SOLEY on the basis of minimal housework.
Maybe my idea is a bit sugar coated. Sorry if so! But I have scaled back on housework since having children - I used to iron everything, down to undies and dishcloths, and keep my dolly pegs in ribbon-tied bundles in a pretty basket and faff about hanging the laundry in an artistic way. Now I am more about doing the minimum, but trying to find pleasure in it and do it as well as I can in the time I have. A bit like what your grandmother says - I want to be able to enjoy my life, at whatever stage of life I am at, so I try to do just that. It helps that our house is small, we have decluttered a lot, and that I enjoy being organised.
are you in my head? Are we sharing a brain? Today, I spent the second day in a row clearing out Ellis' bedroom. Its a tiny room...one bed, one chest of drawers and a bookcase. Its now 6pm and ITS STILL A MESS..or I should say its a mess again. I was thinking that the myth of sisyphus is the wrong analogy to use when describing an endless, unacheivable task. Its house work.
My solution is generally to focus on the 1 or 2 rooms I can't standto be messy. In my case its the living room and the bathroom. Those stay pretty picked up, the rest of the house does not. Not for lack of trying, but because other things come higher in the priority list.
I have a book called Radical Housekeeping. It made me feel less crap about the whole situation (for a little while at least). I'll post it to you.
We have too much stuff. Posessions, clutter -whatever. And yet, j and I are reading the little house on the prairie. Ms worked all day, but doing what? They had 1 room and hardly any stuff, the girls did household chores and minded baby Carrie, and yet Ma worked all the time. Is it an ancestral mother guilt thing. I remember one summer day sitting on the back green reading a book and my mother looked out from the kitchen where she was doing the weekly wash in the twin tub machine we had at the time. She saw me lying on the grass with my book and slammed the door. Next thing I heard her crying. She never ever said anything to me about it, but, boy, if I sit down in the middle of the day (and I often do) I feel the guilt. I am better now at letting it pass though :)
The thing that has helped me the most - tho I still struggle all the time, just less - is getting the kids to help. I just kept looking for jobs that they wouldn't hate - it doesn't have to be the usual ones that kids end up doing - for example K just hates washing dishes with a burning passion - it grosses him out - so I kept trying him with new jobs until we found something he didn't mind so much. The boys each tidy and sweep a room - either the living room or the dining room, once a day. They also take turns emptying the dishwasher, and sometimes are asked to bring in wood. Once a family reaches a certain size, it really doesn't work for mom to do it all - its' just too much. My kids were resistant at first, but now most days just do the job without any fuss. I think it really helps to sit down and have a family meeting and talk about what's going on for you.
It honestly makes such a huge difference to me to have it be more collaberative - I know your dh isn't home as much as mine is either- A does a lot of the housework. Maybe you could find a way to make it more appealing to them - like let's work together to get this done and then we'll do X. A friend of mine managed to get her kids in on a once a day everyone tidies for 15 minutes on the timer, with no coercion - so if that's an issue, don't give up yet.
I've also considered just reducing our stuff-load by like 80%, but that never seems to happen ;) .....
Pah, I've never being able to do the "nuturing family and home" type of atittude to housework..it's a damn bore and bloody annoying tht as soon as the washing is up done there's frigging more.
And the laundry - there's only 2 of us, how the hell does the laundry build up so high?????? Gah, hate it all and I'm going to stay humbuggy about it. Bloodyminded? You betcha!
If my green principles weren't so firm I'd have paper plates every night and microwaveable tv dinners (even tho they taste horrible), then at least I wouldn't have to do the washing up - even when the dishwasher is working, I still can't be faffed.
I am frankly, my dear, crap at housework.
;-)
Shame about the swearing, it just isn't needed and detracts from the narrative. An eloquent person shouldn't have the need to swear.
I agree with the swearing, sometimes only a short word will cut through the fog.
My crisis with house work started to turn around when I saw a bird getting items for his/her nest and I realised that he/she was only doing work he/she actually wanted to do.
I saw that the bird had a dignity and sense of self I had lost.
Oh I know just what you mean...I had three daughters in three years, one of whom is special needs.
I was drowning in jobs and responsibilites, then my Mum gladly stepped in with a bit of sage wisdom.
a) As soon as last child was in bed, I would give the house one final surface tidy and switch off for the day and do something nice, long bath, a few pages of a book...just something for me. Otherwise that old demon resentment would start creeping in.
b) The 30/15 mind formula used to work like a charm for me - chore hell for leather for a half an hour, then take a quarter of an hour for a cuppa with the children, a few rows of knitting, do a puzzle with them etc.
Worth giving it a try - it kept me sane!! Good luck, Sue.
Anon/Globe - sorry you both feel offended - please feel free to stop reading at any point :)
I find swearing helps enormously to discharge stress. Even if only in written form :)
~In high spirits and with deep thanks to every lovely lady who has commented - love the ideas and words and have much to think about :)
claire
Well, after letting things slide for the last few years, I am actually really enjoying getting tidy. Perhaps that's how these things go, in waves. Hope you find a bit more peace with it all.
feel free to be sick after you read this but my dad who was dying of cancer at the time told me, when your old and thinking of all the things you have done, you won't ever be thinking of how tidy you kept the house. So with that in mind I keep one room (our lounge) tidy as poss so I always have that clean space to feel free in my brain, the rest of the house, well imagine a cross between a junk shop/school art cupboard/ sewing/garden shed type affair with lots of books thrown in!!
Great post! I'm with you there gal!
Best advice I ever read (and the one I try to remember!) was to stop thinking in terms of 'have to','must', 'ought to','need to', which are all heavy words of duty and hard work; they set us up to be put upon and resentful right from the start.
Instead, everytime, think of 'I choose to'. Because we ARE making a choice. I do choose to do the laundry rather than us have no clean clothes to wear and me be embarrassed because the kids are covered in crud.
The crux is that if you 'choose not to' then you are willing to take the consequences (whatever they are). And actually sometimes the consequences aren't so bad.
Hmmm...this morning I'm 'choosing' to do the washing up because I don't want the consequences of the misery I'll feel when my kitchen disappears under a pile of dirty dishes. Also because it means I can then 'choose' to do some baking because I'll have the space and doing home baking will save us money and be nicer than shop-bought goodies. There. That's my day sorted out then!
And, yes, swear away. Blogs aren't supposed to be the web equivalent of show homes.
A swear word a day keeps frustrations at bay ;-)
Very funny reading and so current for me...I am naturally messy, i.e. dont put my clothes away at night, dont sweep off the table from crumbs, leave projects in the middle and then have to answer to the consequences...however, my conclusion is to housework is a/ have less stuff ( i am working on it, having no money is positive as i bring less of it in)and somewhere to put the stuff that we have b/ erm..there is no b. or perhaps, finish what you start..focus on one or two things, get them done and not do like me, trying to make yogurt, do phone calls and wash up at the same time. Oh and for the swearing, i probably would have subconsciously added it whilst reading anyway ; )
With regards to the swearing - if you don't say it aloud it must be because you don't want others to hear? You wouldn't go out in public and shout out the "F" word.
I wonder what then makes it acceptable to write it for others to read? Your blog is out there for anyone to read - is this any different from shouting it in public?
I'm with the 2 commenters who objected, the "F" word is NOT acceptable - it is crude and offensive. The people who use it are either not intelligent or too lazy to find an acceptable word.
Yes - it is our choice to read your blog or not - I assume you have a blog to gain readers - you have just lost one reader.
Goodness! I cannot understand the point of taking time to be purposefully negative on someones blog!
~My honest love to you, you obviously need some kindness, that that one little word tips you over. I don't give undue power to such a word. Some things are not worth the upset, the odd swear word doesn't seem so bad, really.
I cannot be offended by the negative vibes brought here, nor can I apologise, really though for the reason behind them! I write regular things about regular life. Yes I swear. But I think it's probably worse to set out and make another feel vulnerable. Isnt it just far easier to pass right on and go and read one of the other millions and millions of very good blogs out there?
I certainly don't set out to 'gain' readers! I write this blog because I feel the need to, I have met some amazing people through this and the comments.
When I get a comment I get excited (someone else might feel this way about this particular thing too!), I read every single one carefully and think about the people writing them and in turn read their blogs from their links.
Sending love out to every one commenting, esp, the negatives.
~~~~~~~
Ruby - love to you esp, you are totally right and I appreciate your honesty xxx
~~
Thank you Elisabeth and Big Mamma Frog for your support! I really like the notion of 'choosing', it's something to think about. I like it a lot actually. It gives a feeling of power back to the situation, rather than the powerless and dragging feeling of 'having' to do something. It feels so much lighter to think that way. I am going to try and see how far I can go with the consequences of not doing certain things. Thanks!
I want to add that I also don't understand why it would be necessary to insult anyone about their language. Words like "lazy" carry far more power than the previously mentioned F word, for sure!
I can understand speaking up to disagree about an idea or some other issue of philosophy, though I rather feel as time passes I personally feel so much less inclined to do so as time goes on. But seriously, people would rather not read something at all than be confronted with a word they personally don't like? That almost makes me want to use certain choice words myself. ;)
Exactly :lol IKWYM :)
I do believe that having children at home contributes enormously to the housework. We home ed our 2 boys, and spend a lot of time at home. All our meals, all play, craft, wear-and-tear, fingermarks, dens, rough and tumble, toilet trips etc etc are in the house. I feel sometimes that even if I followed my boys around I'd never be fast enough to clear up. We all had flu before Christmas and for five days no one left the bedroom except to go to the bathroom and get water from the kitchen. And for five days the house didn't get worse lol. It was a revelation to me that if no one is using the house it remains in the same state.
So, I'm now looking at the enormous amount of housework as something I do as part of my choice to home ed.
BTW have you ever come across flylady. She has some fabulous ideas for getting things done, and while I don't follow her programme I do use a lot of her ideas.
Alison
Oh Claire, I'm having one of those, war-on-the-constant- rice-cake-crumbs-dust-woodchip-picking-up-toyskind of days too!
Even in this tiny yurt space I go round and round doing the same jobs over and over and over again and yes, it can make you feel more than slightly fed up lol.
You are right, there is no end to it all,it's not a battle we can win, so I suppose unless we want to collapse in a blubbering heap, we have to find a way to let go a little and embrace the rest.... It's funny because I always imagine your home to be beautifully tidy at all times, don't we all do that with other people's blogs/lives?!
I am also sorry that someone took the time to be negative on your blog, I just don't have time for anonymous posters and spreading negativity. Hope it didn't upset your balance today, negative comments can leave you feeling exposed and vulnerable.
Your writing is beautiful and it is entirely up to you which words you choose to express how you feel.
Much love
Gina xxx
My hubbie gets enormously frustrated with me. I spend time and energy doing housework (I also discovered Flylady!) and he couldn't understand why I was "obsessively" (that was his word) hoovering etc. My response to him actually surprised me. I told him that I wasn't cleaning for him or for anybody else. I choose to keep the house clean because I like it that way. With a dog and a toddler that does mean quite a bit of work, but I choose to do it, and don't ask or nag him to do anything. Toddler does join in though (which doesn't necessarily help at this age!).
I do need to remind myself to slow down a bit at the moment and let a few more things slide. 7 months pregnant and struggling a bit!
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