be here now

I found myself early on Sunday morning walking fast and weeping furiously. I can't remember the last time I cried, it's been a while. Sometimes you just want to trade in the life you have for an easier one. It's fair to say I think most people have these desperate thoughts every so often. Although what would we learn living an easier life I wonder? Probably not as much about ourselves and life as when things are hard. I'd like to say the beauty of being out alone early in the morning walking quiet country lanes brought me out of my misery, but it was a good ten minutes of hard walking before I actually looked around to see the world.



That it was all there regardless. Of how I felt. Living and breathing. Cows lowing, lambs stretched out basking in early sun, flowers bursting every which way along the hedgerows. I snapped a flower head as I walked and looked utterly in awe at this tiny perfect thing; white petals, tiny and heart shaped, delicate stamen and yellow tips reaching outwards, for life, the continuation of. Come wind or rain or sun the flower still grows and hopes, silently, as a way of being. I long to emulate such things, without so much thought that goes into the living a messy human life.



I'd like to pretend that I had lots of deep and meaningful thoughts walking my walk about how to cope when you feel lost, but I didn't, I was like a toddler, distracted from tears by a pretty bauble (or flower in this case). I am not fickle, but am glad distraction comes as easily as it often does. Especially when there are some things in life you simply cannot change, the tears are thus futile in any case. I adore living this life, but it's hard. I suppose these things go hand in hand. Who appreciates an easy life when it's all one knows? Who though can appreciate the Good Things when there is also the rough for comparison? I try to remember to do this. To recognise, in the middle of busy, endless, often seemingly identical days of ordinary (beautifully ordinary) life.



Human emotion isn't really logical or straight flowing or easy to understand. I don't think our unconscious self knows what time is, sometimes in our heads we can be anywhere we have ever been in an instant. Mostly this doesn't make for happy living. Be Here Now is a Ray LaMontagne song. I like his simple acoustics and voice, stripped bare. Thinking only be here now helps keep me sane, (the thought, not the song). What else is there? Other than now? Tormenting past thoughts and their remembered feelings are as much real as a dream. They are totally gone. Choosing to remember is the only thing that can make them 'real' this minute. Remembering I have a choice is sometimes the freeing key to the self made prison I construct in my mind. See, don't humans make messy their lives?



I think it was Rimbaud who said he wanted to experience as much as possible in life with the greatest possible intensity. Embracing this sentiment means that there is, in fact, much to be grateful for. Tears, sorrow and all.