I have been quiet with this blog since our time away in the summer, and the truth was that a surprise pregnancy, well, surprised me. I wasn't ready to tell people in real life and yet it consumed my every thought and suddenly blogging here became difficult since it's all usually a tumble of my thoughts. And then, after the panic and worry (ah! my health! ah! I have no more baby things in this house!) I just sat quietly and started to knit. As my hands turned balls of wool into tiny baby things my mind and heart settled over the weeks into a happy acceptance.
Then I bled. And so I waited to miscarry. But a river of blood carried me all the way to the hospital and I needed surgery to remove that lifeless clinging pregnancy that wanted to wash us both away.
I am here, tired and wobbly. Alive and happy to be so, ecstatically some moments, then low and dark and literally brood-y the next.
So that's my explanation, and short sad little story. I honestly expected to come bouncing on here about now with a happy-excited-look-what-I-have-knitted-and-guess-why? post! But no, this will have to do, for now. There will be crafting and baking and autumn beauty and my seeing lovely things I imagine one day soon filling this space again. But babies? I really don't know. I really don't. The Man is sort of terrified now, understandably. He'd rather have me.
Time will let me know what to do and not too. For now I just need sleep, and soup, and my little girl to kiss me, I need to shake off the dizzy days of hospital morphine and drip feeding and get my body strong again. Oh, and my hand - it's still here, also not right or strong or healed but here all the same. I feel a great connection with my useless little hand, it's a tiny mirror, a promise and reminder to just sit back, wait and get well. Cry a bit and smile too.
(photo one credit: hermann-uwe.de, photo two credit: saintjosephs.co.uk)
17 comments:
So sorry to read this, Claire. I'd wondered after the GP comment and no follow-up. Thinking of you all, and, as you say, hoping that time will make things clear for you.
xx
oh my dear faraway friend, I am so so so sorry to hear this. I am glad you are well in body. Know that I am thinking about you and sending love your way.
Claire, I wish something as simple as words could be enough. But it's not. Thinking of you and offering love.
xx
Sending love and healing wishes.
♥
I am so sorry for the loss of your little one. I am thankful for the strength with which you face your life journey and know that your inner grace and strength will travel with you as you find your way with this. Sending you love, good thoughts, and if they do not offend you, prayers.
Goodness I just popped in to read your beautiful gentle blog and find myself sending you love solace and healing...
Sending love and healing your way. x
Oh, I am so sorry to read this.
Gentle healing of body, spirit, heart and mind, hun.
Ahh, so sorry to hear this. Today is my due date for a baby who is not coming. She came and went in march. Ive blogged about it quite a bit and have a support page with other resources. Much love coming your way.
I have been there. Sending thoughts of healing your way...
Just sending lots of love and healing wishes hun. xxx
Oh mama. (hugs)
Thinking of you and sending love xxx
I am sending you my deepest felt love and thought. I always find your writting really moves me because you always write from the heart. Take time to nurture yourself and family and when you are ready we will be happy to hear from you again. x x x
I am so sorry for the loss of this little one, and that it ended with so much worry for you and your family.
I am so very sorry for your loss, words do not express enough. But know that I am holding you in my thoughts. Be kind and gentle with yourself mama. Much love,
Uma x
Thinking of you and sending much love and healing vibes x
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